i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Drunk is not a location!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
