Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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