Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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