cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
