You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
