Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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