I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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