I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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