i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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