she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
