you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
