Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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