if you like me you must not know who I am
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
