he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
