Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dignity is for republicans.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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