my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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