Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
