Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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