So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
where are my pants?
in the oven.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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