A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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