you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
