If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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