Don't you send me to vm
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
