Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
