3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
