And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
