so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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