I accidentally had phone sex last night
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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