i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
