FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
