pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
