she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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