I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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