The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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