Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
