Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You're a waste of cheezeits
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