I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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