i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
