boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
