you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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