Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
