she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
