Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
