you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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