I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
