I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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