My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
