Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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