I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
