you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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