so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
