yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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