My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
