Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
