peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
